On Toughness in the Workplace: an open musing
“What in the hell kind of weepy-overly [sic] feminized chicken shit nonsense is this?”
This sentence was the kickoff to someone’s criticism of a piece written by my coworker and published in the New York Times’ Modern Love section.
Upon reading this, I was at once disappointed and curiously amused by the desire to levy ad hominem attacks on my friend’s sense of masculinity: first, because such an affront came in response to a moment of vulnerability for the world to see, but also that the comments were made on Modern Love’s Facebook page.
I will not speak for my colleague, as his writing makes plain that he can fluently articulate his own thoughts and sentiments. However, I would like to focus on the openness at play in this situation, and given that I know him through my present employment, I’d like to do so in the context of the office.
No, not that The Office…
But also not the British one, either.
Anyway!
First, consider the inverse of vulnerability: toughness. Free associating around the word “toughness” in the workplace gave me the following results: intensity; unshakeable; bulletproof; solo. Taken together, these concepts construct an image of one who generates results regardless of the conditions in which they find themselves, and without the need for outside assistance. Such an ideal is often held up for admiration, at times operating under the guise of a fun hashtag.
The need to accomplish in spite of adversity is an eventuality: there will come a situation in everyone’s life — whether professional or otherwise — which puts “what we’re made of” on trial.
Over the years, I’ve cultivated a mindset that tells me to soldier on when faced with such a moment. It says that this too shall pass, and that life only moves forward so I better move with it or risk getting left behind (assuming the linearity of time, which I am unqualified to offer thoughts on at this time).
I believe this mindset deserves a second look.
This mental process was forged in the fires of stress as a reaction to needing to produce in the face of daunting circumstances. There are moments where such hardening is useful, as doing so provides the space needed to fulfill a role’s duties when emotionally turbulent moments arise outside of the walls in which one works; this distance allows for emotions to be revisited and processed in contexts more conducive to finding resolution and healing.
The problem is when this path becomes so well-worn as to become a reflex. Emotional numbing goes beyond its healthy application when it becomes the status quo rather than a temporary solution to a momentary trying situation. When the natural reaction to any sort of potential impediment becomes a pattern in forming an impermeable version of oneself, it is then that steadfastness has the potential to morph into self-denial, bulldozing personal boundaries.
In this case, the perspective of toughness shifts from one with roots in positive affirmation to one mired in diminished self-worth. It is the latter which cultivates mental pathways telling one to continue saying “yes” when the realistic answer is “no”; it is the latter which encourages passivity when assertiveness and stating one’s needs are necessary to address and eventually resolve the issue. Practiced often enough, personal neglect can become perceived as an institutional neglect, when all that needs to be done is for one’s concerns to be voiced to one’s supervisor in order to begin moving toward a solution.
A complication arises when it comes to asking for help, and that is when receiving help is coded as incompetence or placing undue burden on another. A myriad of factors can contribute to this perception, but a conflation of the concept of toughness with that of strength means that recognizing personal shortcomings (or even just personal limitations) could shatter the entire image of one’s self-sufficiency. This can also be a case of modeling, either in the case of asking for help being met with indices of negative reception — overt or otherwise — or simply not seeing what it looks like to ask for help, only to offer it.
Both scenarios are problematic, and not necessarily distinct. An exchange in which outside help is sought that includes even subtle hints of hindrance can lend itself to extrapolation reflecting on the larger company’s culture, namely that the place where one works discourages asking for help. While many organization’s tout their cultures as being one where an individual’s sticking point becomes a joint effort when brought to another, instances like the aforementioned suggest threaten to upend this statement if they are not addressed through consistent, active refutation. In the second case, unavailability of precedent can be overcome by filling in an information gap and actively asking who can be called upon when extra manpower is needed.
It should also be noted that when working in teams, often actions must be coordinated and carried out in concert in order to facilitate the effective, efficient execution of a plan. Thus, rather than viewing asking for help as overburdening another, asking for help can be reframed as not just improving the quality of your own work, but facilitating others in the completion of their tasks. Working in an office where help is purported as being readily available supplies a tacit agreement to helping others when feasible; reminding oneself of this can go a long way to reducing any sort of stigma to asking for a helping hand. If your company says that the culture is one where it really is one big team — people just work on different things at different times — then one can assume this to be the case until told otherwise.
Finally, the take-no-prisoners incarnation of toughness in the office can expand beyond oneself and asking for help to include general interactions with one’s colleagues. For example, with emotions running high from multiple looming deadlines, it becomes all too easy to expect unrealistic levels of flawless performance; left unchecked, this runs the risk of fostering feelings of ire and resentment when these demands inevitably go unmet. In this hypertense state, compassion or empathy can be difficult to exercise (and using oneself is hardly successful; “Yes, I would expect this from myself, and I’d get the job done!”), so a practice that can be helpful is to filter kneejerk thoughts and reactions through the lens of whether it’s something one would say to a dear friend. If your coworkers are people you like, this strategy for remaining in control of emotions is made all the easier.
In all of this, I am reminded of Boxer in Animal Farm, whose “I will work harder” refrain was one I interpreted as the embodiment of toughness, and I admired it upon my initial encounter. At the time, these words embodied for me what it meant to be a top performer: the ability to rise above all else to achieve. However, to do so disregards the fate to befall Boxer, as he eventually found himself utterly depleted, with nothing left to give and nothing to keep going.
And thus, having put forth such weepy chicken shit nonsense, another open musing comes to an end. Have you experienced a similar situation? Do you want to see more of this type of content? Let me know in the comments, and feel free to share how you were able to overcome (or are in the process of overcoming) your own struggles.
